When the world squeezes you

Always in my Heart (1)
CW: death

Sometimes you get squeezed by life experiences. I had that 2 weeks ago and I had to fully retreat. I did a pretty full retreat. Of course there are always some things I needed to do, but my understanding of what truly needs to be done has shifted so much over the years. People always ask me, I can't really stop posting, or stop my emails, or my launch, or I can't really stop going to my job. Some of that may or may not be true. The truth is that you can make any decision as long as you are willing to take responsibility for your choices. 

So, if you work at a job, you can take a day off. Even if you are out of sick days, you can take a day off without pay. What if I lose my job, etc.... The what ifs can go on forever and the answer always is, that as long as you are willing to take responsibility, you can do it, AND most times the worst case scenario isn't what happens. In med school there is a saying by Theodore Woodward,"If you hear hoofbeats behind you, don't expect to see a zebra." Now, it's true that this statement works only in places that horses are more common than zebras, but it shines a light on the tendency of our minds to run away without reason. 

So despite the possible outcomes of the SM algorithms, and my subscribers, my bank account, etc... I fully retreated. I didn't post or email for a solid 2 weeks. I retreated completely to be in the squeeze. So what is it that squeezed me so much? I wasn't ready to talk about it til now. 

My puppy was tragically hit by a car. He was the kind of puppy that worked his way into everyone's heart. He came to me this January for my birthday, and didn't make it to 10 months old. I was all kinds of devastated, a grief that was all new to me. The closest that had come to that was the grief that I experienced from my children's near death experiences. To be with someone you love as their spirit drains from their body, to see their pain, knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. As a healer, and a parent it is a unique burden to carry.

So now that you know why I had to retreat, it will make more sense. Never have I really given myself the space to grieve, to feel the range of feelings. Other than basic self care and caring for my kids grieving and self-care, I let everything else go. 

Never have I ever let myself be in the roller coaster of emotions, the waves of grief, to cry, to journal, and to cry some more. Allowing the ceremony and rituals around this time to create a container to grieve, some structure and connection: to each other, to my puppy, to myself, and to spirit.

This one definitely one of the most painful times of my life, AND the most transformational, because I let myself be squeezed. Like the process of birth, or the creation of a diamond. There is beauty in the darkness- value in the challenge. I would do anything to be able to take away his pain. When there was nothing I could do, I did mantras the whole way to the Animal Hospital, learning why it has been a self-help tool for thousands of years. Learning also, that spirit did ease his pain by his passing. See nothing of this squeeze was in my control other than to just be in it, to just feel it, to go through 1 step at a time.

Self-sabotage is what we do when we run away from the here and now. The thing is, our magick and power is in the here and now. So now here I am, connecting back in, forever changed, with Tucker tucked forever in my heart, his spirit playing by my side.


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