People think I'm all Zen, the truth is very different

CW: abuse, self harm, suicide

People are always telling me how calm I am, how Zen I must be. This can't be further from the truth. Or at least it does not come naturally to me. People that I have met in the last 10 years wouldn't believe the beginning of my journey. It was a rocky and long road to get here. I have mentioned surviving various abuse and trauma across my lifetime, including periods of self harm, cutting, and suicide attempts. What I absolutely have not yet shared is the extent of my inner world.

See, my perspective was pretty Glass half empty. But it was more than pessimism and negative thinking; it was more than poor self esteem.  It was downright self-loathing. I didn't actually believe that I deserved to be here. Now, I didn't know that this belief was even there, much less driving so many of my desires, my behaviors, feelings and reactions. But it was. This was a powerful spell that I had bound myself with. 

It was keeping me small, self-sabotaging at every turn. I continued to try to heal, but the root was buried so deep. I called it my blind spot because it was like it was invisible.

So by now, I have done the healing work to understand where this has come from. And who knows when I cast this original spell. What I did know is that I needed to find a way to break free from the programming that was running my life that even decades of counseling, energy healing, personal growth couldn't pull the root out. There were things that helped tremendously, and I learned every single one of those modalities, but none completely released it...until I was able to tap into my own magick.

What magick? I mean my intuition, my connection with spirit, my psychic gifts. I also mean my relationship with my guides who have shown me my true value in ways that I could actually feel it and let it soak in. 

See ultimately, I was the only one who could do it. Like in season 4 of Korra, where she is struggling with PTSD, going to get healed. Of course there is a place for healing. This is what I do for others. But really, the healing is all inside. the healer helps guide us there, is there with us, and empowers us to do the healing. You are your own healer. You are your own teacher. 

This doesn't mean don't ask for help or that others don't matter. These connections, relationships, and healing sessions all have a role, so long as they strengthen your connection to yourself. 

So if you want to remove the spells that bind you, the programming that has outlived it's usefulness and purpose, not only are you capable of doing that, you are the one who is best suited to do that. You are powerful beyond your imagination! 

So now am I Zen? Well, much more than I used to be. I clear and release programming all the time. The soul evolution never ends. So everyday I come back, I clear, I heal, I love, Grow and accept. Some days are harder and darker than others. But it is amazing how quickly things can change when you can release the spells at the root of the programming. 

Who I am now is a culmination of my life's worth of healing, learning, and growing. So now I appreciate the water that is in the glass. I have realized that my words and actions have an effect on those around me and I want to be a source of healing in all aspects of my life. So maybe that is Zen, maybe it makes me a teacher and guide, or maybe that is just who I am now, in the evolution of my soul, stepping further into my power and magick than I have let myself before. So I am here to say, that you can do it. I believe in you, and there is no negative thought or belief that is too engrained or powerful to release. It can happen quicker than you realize. So are you ready to realize who you are without the spells that bind you?