My Story.My Journey. My Magick.
CW: abuse: sexual, emotional, physical, shaming, depression, self harm (cutting), suicide
I wanted to share a story with you. This is a story of persistence, of transformation, of healing. This is my story.
This begins where most told stories begin, with the perspective of hindsight. But I am also acutely aware that the lived experience did not have the collective and accessible wisdom that I now have to narrate it.
She was a radiant ball of light. The major planet and theme in her chart was that of the sun. She was warm, a natural healer, joy-filled, playful, creative, and radiant. She connected to people in a special way, a true heart to heart connection.💖 She was bright, could see spirits, and was tapped into wisdom. People much older than her always came for her healing touch, and her profound wisdom. She knew things about people, relationships, and the universe that was beyond her earthly experience from this life.
The age of 9, she began her life studies in metaphysics. Getting books on astrology and palmistry, practicing moving objects with her mind, and collecting crystals.
In ways it seemed she lived 2 lives.
This magickal life filled with wonder and exploration, where there's more than meets the eye, and the much more daunting, stifled life growing up suffering several types of abuse and trauma: molestation, narcissistic rage and abuse, physical, verbal, emotional abuse, and severe shaming and invalidation. The burden of these experiences eventually took over and my metaphysical studies were more a way to survive, to find someway to escape my misery.
It's amazing really the power of hindsight, time passing. Time exists because we have memory, and having memory is what gives me the sensation of time passing. It is also what gives me the the perspective of growth and transformation. When I was a young caterpillar, getting stuck in webs of deceit, and betrayal from family and community, I had no idea what was to come. I had no idea whether my life would ever improve, and I became very depressed, suicidal even.
Not that i ever really WANTED to die, I just wanted the pain, the shame to go away and didn't know how to do that. I believed I was trapped and there was no way out. For quite some time I was quite lost, in my own web of self-sabotage, cutting and abusing myself, relying on the illusion of the all powerful family and community to get me out of the same abusive situation they created.
I searched my whole life for a way to fix myself, to fix what was broken, heal what was injured, to fill the emptiness inside. I searched for miraculous healing, and what I found was more amazing, more beautiful than I could have hoped for.
What I found was my connection to Spirit, and this connection was within me, waiting for me to return all along.
Along the way I was blessed to have climbed real and proverbial spiritual mountains, have met true spiritual teachers, witnessed and experienced miraculous healing, and wondered in awe at the beautiful design of the universe.
I am very much aware of how the journey to get here did not include the wholeness and deep fulfillment I now am grounded in, and also grateful that that was the journey I needed to take to get to the magick of now.
In trying everything I could get my hands on, I came across the barriers, the blocks, the challenges and took the long way around in discovery. I always knew my path was the less travelled path. Ironic, because I spent most of my life wondering if I was on "the right path," not realizing that I am both the creator and the traveler of my path.
And I reclaim my power on my journey.